Emotional Injuries - Fixing something you cannot see....?

To live or not to live..?  This question’s been coming up a lot lately.  Why is this feeling coming back?  A while ago, my life was crushed - on the inside, and I was left as dead, emotionless, and numb, like a zombie.  A life shattering event, fixing the devastation moves from months to years to heal and fix.   

Since this very dark day a very long time ago, I’ve been slowly healing – inside.  It is more difficult than one would think. Get up, get going, and move on. My life lay on the floor. I cannot see it, cannot feel it, and cannot touch it.  How is it possible? Why does it take so long to heal?  

Emotions and emotional healing – It’s an intangible part of the body. One cannot point to it and put a band-aide around it. The extent of damage cannot be determined either.  Reasons such as these are why it’s a difficult injury. 

I will take a pure physical and tangible illness or damage over emotional damage any day. An intangible ‘item’ is damaged - how to measure the progress, the prognosis, the level of injury. There is no comparison chart or rehabilitation schedule. Everyone is different and unique. 

One thing I do know – friends, true friends, help the healing processes immensely.  Friends, support, love, caring, affection, sharing and human interaction – this is the medicine needed for emotional injuries.

Yes, overall, much healing occurred since the trauma.  Triggers affect this misunderstood injury.  There are setbacks.  Each setback makes me re-evaluate this real question addressed here.  What is next?   

Learning, Turning, and Going North

How to conclude what direction you're heading?  The answer is difficult and easy at the same time.  This doesn't sound right, does it? Plus it's actually contradictory. The answer lay right in front of me.  It was just a matter of taking recent events and contrasting with past events.  Easy, huh? 

Stepping back to look at recent events, feelings are short in duration. A broken bone, torn tendon, emotional reaction, irritation, anger, happiness are mostly short-lived events.   The associated feelings may not last very long.   These are typical day-to-day ups and downs.  It happens to everyone.  Sometimes when they cluster together and happen rapidly, it can result in increased pain and depression. 

The last few weeks have not been good in terms of happiness.  But I realize the sadness, disappointment, hurt feelings, pain associated with these current events are dwarfed in comparison the overall emotion and long-term direction that life is heading.  I see and feel positive and optimistic resulting from the passage of time, healing of pain, overcoming loss.  The real devastation took place outside the scope of a short term daily event.  The ups and downs of everyday life must be recognized and categorized properly to continue building and healing life. 

I am blessed with a friend that has inspired and motivated me for many months now.  I cannot forget the progress in my life.  Most of it attributable to one person.  If it were not for her, I would not be writing this now.  And yes, she has made an impression upon me - one that will never leave my mind, heart and soul. Yes, I'm still in awe and have so much admiration, respect and gratitude.  I've learned more from her than any other source.  Including the will to live.  I owe this person my life.  And yes, I would give my life for her.  

Great friends are forever and unconditional.  They are rare and you want to keep those friends.  To continue on the path of recovery and the ability to live life at the fullest, only the original devastation need be worked through.  Friends are key.

Very ironic that my thoughts of continued depression, physical pain, and emotional pain, made me realize that I'm turning the corner and heading North, a positive direction. Learning is a lifetime process that will allow continued growth.  I'm also so very lucky to have a friend that understands and provides insight and meaning to my life again. 

Pain - Physical and Emotional - Going up or going down

Difficulty sleeping nearly every night. Pain is everywhere, physically and emotionally.  The physical damage and pain is easy to see and to understand. The worst pain, is the emotional pain. Recovering from a devastating, nightmare-ish life event.

Falling Down... or  Rising Up....  Which way am I going?  Which way are you going?  We all have ups and downs.  The theme of this post is greater than everyday events we encounter.  Looking at the big picture of life itself, and lifetime decisions.  Falling Down or Rising Up?  I used to know the answer.  It was very simple - I rise up, improve myself everyday, learn, grow, live, share events, emotions, feelings, learn, and become a better person each day. 

The answer, in reality, is difficult.  This is amid a backdrop of a major catastrophic life event, causing severe emotional pain, along with physical and mental symptoms. My life changed drastically. And not in a good way.  On track for a good, happy life, suddenly comes an abrupt halt.  

From time to time, emotional wounds, as well as physical wounds, manifests  itself from events or processes that bring us back to the original point of injury.  The response for many current events are similar in nature to past depressing events. When processing new or recent events, it’s natural to react in a similar manner.  Sounds logical...

I'm experiencing a form of that pain and depression from current events. Most recognizable are the negative or hurtful actions, or words, or events. It's just easier to feel the 'hurt'. Possibly due to a heightened level of sensitivity, of which I've become accustomed.  Resulting physical injuries from an accident contributes to pain in a similar manner.

Recently, I was on the receiving end of criticism after expressing positive feelings, praise and admiration. This interaction was just a typical daily activity that we all face.  It had a negative impact, because the positive complement resulted in a negative reaction.  I bring this up because it becomes difficult for both parties to say what they feel without judgment, whether positive or negative.  The 'wound' in my heart opens.

Another ‘trigger’ of pain was experiencing a person's expression of irritation, anger, pent-up frustration, and stress that was 'let loose'. Her mis-understanding or mis-interpretation of a word, phrase, or something triggered her to lash-out. Although, it was not her fault, it was not my fault.  It was probably a bad day.  The small daily events are magnified due to past experiences, and a somewhat fragile depressive state, still healing.  And of course, I am a man - I cannot show emotion or feelings, right?  It is not that easy hiding feelings anymore!

Living life to its fullest. Can it be accomplished with physical and emotional pain?  Maybe?  It’s possible.  Especially when it’s shared with someone, or with friends.  It’s easy to become physically and mentally exhausted. Can I put up with it? Should I put up with it?  I don't know the answers. I want to be done with it, I know.

Quite possibly it could be fixed and sewn up in no time - with a good woman to share lives, events, and happiness.  Yes, I'm ready to be done with it, one way or another. Knowing, understanding, and keeping true and genuine friends are key.  Friends are important and I try to give, help, and support those friends, it comes naturally.  I'm happy when they are happy.  Sad when they are sad. Great friends - they are rare and are valued much.

Thoughts racing through my head.  Working to organize them into an orderly fashion. Maybe, just maybe - this post may allow me to file some things away.  Maybe the answer to the questions of "Falling Down?" or "Rising Up?"  are not directional.  Could they be absolutes??? 

A Disastrous Live Event - How to recover???

Is it possible to recover from a major life disaster?  No.  Easy answer - Huge disaster.  Life is not the same and never will be.  The World has catastrophic disasters.  Some natural disasters, such as earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, fire.  Man made disasters occur, but are deliberate and thought-out. Such as wars, revolutions, crime - in the form of terrorism, mass shootings (i.e. school shootings, drug cartels, etc...), purposely hurting another human being....

Natural disasters are comprehensible, explainable, and understood. Sometimes even expected. The inner self is not affected in the same way as when a deliberate attempt to hurt another person.  Betrayal by another person is so incomprehensible and has a multiplier effect.  A man gives, supports, loves, cherishes a women.  Sharing their lives together is living and is reason to live.  Suddenly, this man discovers her betrayal.  How can a woman shatter a man to almost certain death.

This tends to be more difficult from a man's perspective.  Society somehow thinks it is 'normal' or 'common' for infidelity. Particularly when a man emotionally hurts a women.  Still not knowing if I'll live or die, the realization of a girl emotionally 'killing' a guy through the act of betrayal is not as accepted in society.  Men, we are strong, I can take it, I can hide it. It's socially unacceptable for a man to show emotion. It makes a man appear weak.  This actually makes life, living, emotionally and physically more difficult.

The built up expectation of man's strength is tarnished if you show the hurt contained inside you.  Actually, there is nothing inside.  Empty from what has been taken from me.  Emotions are not allowed - we must hide them.  Very soon, hiding places are gone and a man can breakdown.  The breakdown is more devastation.  The natural thought comes. What did I do wrong?  I must have done something wrong.  But I do not know what it could be.  I've shared our lives, supported, loved, listened, and more.  Why does a loved one intentionally hurt a man?

I know, ramble, ramble, ramble....  My mind is cluttered. Thoughts are not coming out in an orderly manner. My live has changed forever.  The unimaginable has happened.  I don't know what is next....

Conforming to society's expectations and traditional values appears to be absent from the world now.  Must assess values and give it more thought.  We all should.  Hey, I'm just one guy with a broken soul, heart, emotions, feelings and numb inside.  When will the pain end.....?

Inspiration

Recently, I have been inspired by someone. I met in the most unlikely of places. I was not looking, searching, or seeking. I was barely living. Upon reading and hearing her words, and feelings, and the emotion, in essence - describe myself. I found a written narrative that, I thought, I was reading my life.  I think people feel like this at times, but never thought so until now. 

One thing is keeping me going now.  Inspiration. Inspiration from one person.  That person knows who she is.  Reasons unexplained,  She has given me hope, Inspiration, Motivation, thoughts that were long gone. Until now, I was unable to think. Some people have gone through a lot, and some have gone through more than I thought. My life events are not unique to me. Possibly, quite  possibly, many experience the devastation that, so far, I’ve barely begun to accept.

On one hand I was lucky.  I have no choices to make.  Everything was decided for me.  I could do nothing about it.  I could only stand there as a hollow shell of the person.  I am still mesmerized and in shock.  I was living my life as if there were no tomorrow. I was nearly certain there would be no tomorrow. I was hoping for no tomorrow.  One person one person only opened my eyes.

Where is the light?

I have died I cannot see. there is no light. The light can throw one off. Seeing the light is having hope. Darkness covers all.  No hope, no dreams, no direction, no fun. this is not living. life was bright and a lot in life would be fun.  The decisions have consequence. what is the right answer. there is no right answer

I was full of hope.  Where did my energy go?  it is on nowhere to be found.  If I know what it’s like to die inside.  Complete numb inside, there was nothing to live for. If I feel nothing on the inside. I am numb and the inside, I cannot think,  cannot concentrate, cannot read. I have no emotion. I have a hollow body.  My body is a container. the container of biology.  Home to nerves, veins, bones, muscles.  That is all of me. No life, just biology jumbled together.

I died of long time ago.  Something kept me going. I don’t know what.  Can I recover?  I believe that it’s impossible.  I’m looking at a hollow body with none of the former ambition and motivation. I once had - it used to be me and inside me.  But where do they go.  It was taken from me.  It will not come back.

Dreams, Goals, Success can be achieved, Others want to pull you down.

How can one succeed. So many obstacles. Working your entire life for something that goes away, through no fault of your own. I have always seen bright light. I go towards it.  So much negativity. I cannot accept the negative. So much conflict within my body. so much outside pressure that is contradictory. I used to believe in me. I can do anything. I strive for success.  It makes my dreams fulfilled.

I once had a dream, I had a recurring daydream. Wonder where I would be when I went to work? I pictured silicon valley, the home of semiconductors, computers, technology, innovation. Many many years later,  I did end up in silicon valley. that small childhood dream was realized

How do you keep going. I call it going north. the obstacles are terrible. always a huge storm. the storms  are blowing me away from my dream. I wanted north.  Going up the hill or mountain is a challenge.