Inspiration

Recently, I have been inspired by someone. I met in the most unlikely of places. I was not looking, searching, or seeking. I was barely living. Upon reading and hearing her words, and feelings, and the emotion, in essence - describe myself. I found a written narrative that, I thought, I was reading my life.  I think people feel like this at times, but never thought so until now. 

One thing is keeping me going now.  Inspiration. Inspiration from one person.  That person knows who she is.  Reasons unexplained,  She has given me hope, Inspiration, Motivation, thoughts that were long gone. Until now, I was unable to think. Some people have gone through a lot, and some have gone through more than I thought. My life events are not unique to me. Possibly, quite  possibly, many experience the devastation that, so far, I’ve barely begun to accept.

On one hand I was lucky.  I have no choices to make.  Everything was decided for me.  I could do nothing about it.  I could only stand there as a hollow shell of the person.  I am still mesmerized and in shock.  I was living my life as if there were no tomorrow. I was nearly certain there would be no tomorrow. I was hoping for no tomorrow.  One person one person only opened my eyes.

Where is the light?

I have died I cannot see. there is no light. The light can throw one off. Seeing the light is having hope. Darkness covers all.  No hope, no dreams, no direction, no fun. this is not living. life was bright and a lot in life would be fun.  The decisions have consequence. what is the right answer. there is no right answer

I was full of hope.  Where did my energy go?  it is on nowhere to be found.  If I know what it’s like to die inside.  Complete numb inside, there was nothing to live for. If I feel nothing on the inside. I am numb and the inside, I cannot think,  cannot concentrate, cannot read. I have no emotion. I have a hollow body.  My body is a container. the container of biology.  Home to nerves, veins, bones, muscles.  That is all of me. No life, just biology jumbled together.

I died of long time ago.  Something kept me going. I don’t know what.  Can I recover?  I believe that it’s impossible.  I’m looking at a hollow body with none of the former ambition and motivation. I once had - it used to be me and inside me.  But where do they go.  It was taken from me.  It will not come back.

Dreams, Goals, Success can be achieved, Others want to pull you down.

How can one succeed. So many obstacles. Working your entire life for something that goes away, through no fault of your own. I have always seen bright light. I go towards it.  So much negativity. I cannot accept the negative. So much conflict within my body. so much outside pressure that is contradictory. I used to believe in me. I can do anything. I strive for success.  It makes my dreams fulfilled.

I once had a dream, I had a recurring daydream. Wonder where I would be when I went to work? I pictured silicon valley, the home of semiconductors, computers, technology, innovation. Many many years later,  I did end up in silicon valley. that small childhood dream was realized

How do you keep going. I call it going north. the obstacles are terrible. always a huge storm. the storms  are blowing me away from my dream. I wanted north.  Going up the hill or mountain is a challenge.